I feel this very common surge of mine – of generalized anxiety and rapid overwhelm, and I immediately get curious. I mean, this is such an old kink of mine that these days I’m easily able to ramp it up and feel it and encourage and allow it… Hell, what am I talking about? I mean, actually fully celebrate it, let it burn right through all the cells of my body. And you know, I’m just there lying on my bed, there’s nothing untoward afoot… but now I’m on fire.
And I feel it. I’m ablaze in it. I allow myself to go on one of the favourite trips of my life, because, after all, that’s all it is. A dream, created by me and the sensations in the depths of my own Being. What is there to be afraid of?
Yes, I’m on fire. And that’s because this is what is arising in me right now. I am the fire. So I let this be known, and I let myself become it.
As I go on to journey deep inside myself, the fiery sensations become bluer. There’s voltage. They’re an electric fence now, that surrounds my entire body. I see an image of me riding my motorbike, except now there are sparks pinging gloriously off the handlebars… and I’m flying on ahead with a sense of great purpose.
And I simply notice the aliveness in my body, and how this energy simply wants to be channelled …
…with accurate focus
…and in one direction only.
(Oh, I think. That old chestnut!
I think they call it ‘presence’..?!)
And now I understand that what I had previously thought to be anxiety, and overwhelm… is just the activation of life-force energy.
Unstoppable. And I see that when I harness it, it’s fast. It penetrates.
I ask it to speak, this electric blue fire. And its voice comes through so precise, and full of glee.
Allow me, it commands me, just let me take over! Let me be the arrow that shoots from the core of your being … to pierce right through to the heart of the bullseye.
Like a bolt of fucking lightening.
I ask it what happens when I judge this sensation, or try to run away from it; when I think to myself, oh noooo… too much… When I try to suppress it, or stop it; refuse to embody it…
And the answer is clear. I fall victim to the belief that I am not capable of riding this wild, wild horse. And in feeling that, soon another belief rises – that I daren’t, that I mustn’t, that who I really am is not allowed.
Better hide it, better not show them my power.
And when I tap into this vibration: of fear and contraction, and the denial and avoidance of this high sensation… ha! Well, I still feel the very same high sensation (how can I not? It’s me, after all) – except, now…
…in my refusal to open up and feel it fully, the energy starts to scatter and splinter. In my inability to hold what is mine, it quickly distorts, and then – poof! This dark spell I’ve created has twisted it into worry. Now all that electric energy has been conducted into angst.
Now, I’m no longer riding my electric sparky motorbike. Instead, I see I’m fluttering about, on high overhead, looking down upon a myriad glittering objects…
And believe you me, from this contracted space in myself… these objects all look Way Too Hot To Handle. Do I swoop down and try to pick one up? Should I just stay up here? Of course, the doubt and the paralysis just intensifies my experience. The sparks are still flying, but now they’re all in my head as my mind starts to taunt itself and search for the answer.
But, my dears, there is no answer. There is only this energy that wants to be felt, and owned, and lived, and expressed. Expanded into. But whether I choose expansion, or swiftly contract from it… well, all that’s up to me – or rather, to the part of me that’s ready. Because truthfully, it’s not always a matter of will; sometimes our nervous system just can’t hold that much power yet. And that’s fine; after all, it’s a practice, a remembering, a continuing return.
**
How much can we dare to love all parts of ourselves… so that they transform, creating new worlds and dimensions? How willing can we get to break through to a different level of this game?
Might we find some pleasure in these dark, taboo places?
And then, might these turn into portals that open up a myriad of entirely new perspectives?
This, in a nutshell, is the approach of Existential Kink. It is simply one of absolute absorption in our own felt inner experience – without shame; without judgment. It’s an approach of allowance; of approval. Of trust and surrender… And not forgetting, of course, that absolute devilish curiosity.
Because, without this, after all… How else do we truly dare to live?
Here are three quick ways to turn ‘undesirable’ feelings into gold.
Do the somatics first, and let the sensations take you where they will – through movement, visions, memory, insight…
Remember: this work isn’t transcendence – it’s saturation. You don’t want to alchemize the charge by sending it up and out; you want to let it devour you until it dissolves not only the duality between you and the feeling, but the illusion of duality itself – the entire polarity structure that holds pleasure and pain, light and dark, wanted and unwanted, as opposites.
Alchemical, indeed. Seal it with the affirmation at the end.
The Feeling: a sting of comparison, the flash of threat.
The Alchemy: close your eyes, feel that sharp twinge in your belly; that hot, fluttering ache. And as you breathe slowly in and out, let it swell – darker, even hotter… even more consuming.
Let the charge spread through your lower belly, your hips. Draw down on your inhale into your genitals. Let the energy fill your sex: move your pelvis, let yourself feel turned on. Jealousy directly stimulates (and is a shadow expression of) the sacral centre (2nd chakra) – the same seat as sexual desire, creative impulse, and emotional intensity. It’s the shadow and the gateway all at once.
Let it have you.
Let it throb. And keep breathing – not to calm it, but to stoke it. Until the edges between jealousy and arousal begin to blur completely.
Notice how the ache begins to shimmer. The envy, the grasping, the threat – they start to melt into pure, raw desire.
Whisper: This is desire. This is my magnetism.
The Gift: jealousy shows you your desire that you’ve not yet owned – turning it into heat makes you irresistible.
The Feeling: shallow breath, restlessness, jitters; the body tightening, a nervous fizz beneath the skin, a live current crackling through the nerves.
The Alchemy: lie down, stand, or sit completely still – and let the sensations envelop you. Imagine you’re being consumed by fire (or, if you’re a real intensity junkie, devoured by dogs à la Jezebel).
Let the beast remind you:
This is not fear. This is energy returning home.
The Gift: anxiety is just untethered energy. Anchor it, and you become a lightning rod of presence.
The Feeling: shrinking, contracting, folding, blushing.
The Alchemy:
Let yourself do exactly that. Become the shame.
Let it flood you. Curl in. Let your cheeks burn, your belly twist, your chest tighten. Let the body follow its impulse – shoulders hunching, head dropping, spine rounding.
Breathe into the smallness; feel the rawness of it. Let it throb, twist, whisper. Notice its texture… does it have a colour? Stay curious.
When it starts to move, let it.
Breathe into it more, as if you’re seducing it. Let the energy swell until you meet the very edge of it – and to your curiosity, it starts becoming something else.
Maybe a tremor runs through your body. Maybe tears or laughter come. Maybe the contraction begins to uncurl on its own – your spine lengthening, your chest softening open – not because you forced it, but because you finally met it, and now it’s transforming.
Feel the pulse of aliveness underneath the embarrassment – that trembling vitality that only wants to be known, and welcomed.
Only when you’ve met it fully, say softly, as a seal:
My body is honest. My honesty is radiant.
The Gift: shame is just life-force turned inward. When met with awareness, it melts into raw authenticity – the most luminous beauty there is.
This is true EK: not sublimating (or trying to transcend the feelings), but staying inside the furnace until the lead turns to gold. These practices of shadow alchemy mean that every flicker of jealousy, tremor of anxiety, or flush of shame can all become be your power… if you choose to meet these sensations with awareness, breath, a little curiosity… and a whisper of magic.
***
My curious dive into the deep dark well means I stop my anxious fluttering.
I fly like a dart.
And guess what? my sizzling blue electric fire says,
I never miss the target.
Come and step through the veil, into magic and meaning.
Glimpses of the work. Whispers of the journey.
Answers to the questions you didn’t know you were asking.
